أقول مللتها .. وأعود شوقاً — Jawahiri

أقولُ مَلِلْتها .. وأَعودُ شوقاً

كأني ما عَشِقْت .. ولا ملِلْتُ

I say, “I have tired of her”—yet return in longing,

as though I had never loved, nor grown weary.

بلى وكأنني لم أَثنِ منها

أَماليدَ الغُصون .. ولا أَمَلْت

Indeed—as though I had never bent

her supple boughs, nor made them lean;

ولا سالت بأكؤسها دِهاقاً

معطرةَ الحِفافِ .. ولا أَسَلْت

nor had she flowed in her brimming cups,

their rims perfumed—nor had I made her flow;

ولم أَعكُفْ على مَرْضَى جُفونٍ

ولم أبرأ بِهنّ .. ولا اعتللت

nor lingered over languid eyelids,

nor found healing through them, nor fallen ill.

مضتْ عشرٌ وعامانِ استقلا

وما استعفيتُهَنَّ .. ولا استقلت

Ten years passed, and two more went their way;

I never asked them to release me, nor resigned.

تَقَوَّل ما يشاءُ خبيثُ طبعٍ

بَلوتُ طِباعَهُ حتى كَلَلْت

A vile-natured man has fabricated whatever he wishes—

I tested his ways until I grew weary—

بأَني حُوَّلٌ .. إن أعوزَتْني

على الملات أَعذارٌ .. أحلت

that I am wily: if I lack

excuses for my bouts of boredom, I contrive them;

وأني ما طَلَعتُ على صِحابٍ

أُسَرُّ بقربِهِمْ .. إلا أَفَلْت

and that I have never risen over companions

whose nearness delights me, without setting again.

معاذَ اللهِ .. والخُلُقِ المصَفّى

وحُرّةِ طينةٍ منها جُبِلت

God forbid—and by my refined character,

and the noble clay from which I was formed!

ولكني وجدتُ الودَّ سوقاً

يراد بها تجار فاعتزلت

But I found affection a marketplace

where traders were wanted, so I withdrew.

فمن خَتْلٍ رُمِيتُ وما خَتَلَتُ

وعن جُبْنٍ خُذِلْتُ .. وما خَذَلْتُ

Through deceit I was struck, though I never deceived;

through cowardice I was abandoned, though I never abandoned others.

خَبَرتُ الناسَ والأيامَ حتى

يداي كليلتانِ بما نَخَلْت

I have tested people and days until

both my hands are weary from all I sifted.

تَسُرُّهُمُ هِناتي لم أُسائِلْ

بهم " عُرَّ الهنات " ولا حَفَلت

My failings delight them; I never probed

the sores of their failings, nor paid them heed.

ولم أَخبِط معاجِنَهم فحسبى

بها الشعراتُ منها قد سلَلَت

Nor did I churn their kneading-troughs; enough for me

were the hairs I had already drawn from them.

ولم أسألْ مغازِلَهم خيُوطاً

غنىً عنهن بي فيما نَسَلت

Nor did I ask their spindles for threads:

what I had drawn out myself sufficed without them.

كذاك خُلِقْتُ ما ساوَمْتُ خِدني

على العوراتِ منه .. ولا اهتبلت

Thus was I made: I never bargained with my close friend

over his hidden flaws, nor exploited them.

ولا خُودِعْتُ بالأمجاد يوماً

ولم أهتِفْ بِهِنَّ ولا ابتهلت

Nor was I ever deceived by glories,

nor hailed them, nor prayed fervently.

ولكن بالسَّجيةِ وهي صفوٌ

وبالنفس الرضية وهي صَلْت

But through innate character, pure as it is,

and through the contented soul, unadorned,

وجدتُ الحسنَ يكمُلُ بانتقاص

فلو قيض الكمال لما كَمَلْتُ

I found that beauty reaches fullness through a lack;

were perfection granted, I would not be complete.

وتنعدمُ الفُروقُ بلا عُيوبٍ

فلو قِيض الكمال لما كَمَلتْ

And distinctions vanish when there are no flaws;

were perfection granted, they would not be complete.

أَبِي مَلَلٌ، ولو قُويْضتُ كوناً

بمن أهوى .. وما أهوى .. عَدَلت

Is there weariness in me? Were I offered a universe

for those I love and what I love, I would turn away.

وتفجؤني طُيوفُهم كأني

إليْهِم من جديد قد حُمِلت

And their phantoms surprise me, as though

I had been borne to them anew:

لمغنىً عِشتُهُ مَعَهمْ سعيداً

بهمْ.. وخُرَيْبةٍ مَعَهمْ نزلت

to an abode where I lived with them, happy

in their company—and a little ruin where I lodged with them.

ولا واللهِ ما أُوذيتُ فيهم

ولا ثَقُلوا عليَّ .. ولا ثَقُلْت

No, by God, I never suffered in their company;

nor did they burden me, nor I them.

ولو بي مَلَةٌ لملِلتُ طَبْعاً

يجشِّمني، وعن شيمي عَدَلت

Were there boredom in me, I would have tired of a temperament

that burdens me, and turned aside from my own traits;

ولاستنْهَزْتُ من فُرصٍ وأخرى

ومثلَ الزئبق السَّرعِ انتقلت

and seized opportunities, one after another,

and moved like swift quicksilver.

ولكنِّي أجُرُّ الذيلَ تِيها

بِثوبٍ قبل خمسينَ اشتملت

But I trail my hem in pride,

in a robe I wrapped around myself fifty years ago;

ويَزْهوني على القَصبِ الموشّى

حصيلةُ ما خَسِرتُ وما حَصَلت

and what makes me prouder than embroidered linen

is the harvest of what I lost and what I gained.

ولو حُمِّلتُهُ كذويهِ غِلاّ

لكنت به كما خَمَلوا خَمَلْت

Had I been made to bear it, like its possessors, as a fetter,

I too would have sunk into obscurity, as they did.

ولكني شَجُعْتُ .. فما أُبالي

أجَلّى .. أم كبا قدْحٌ أَجلْت

But I have been brave; I do not care

whether the gaming arrow I cast won or faltered.

سألتُ الصَبْرَ كيف جَمُلتَ عندي ؟

فقال بما " تُصَبِّرني ّ " جَمُلْتُ

I asked Patience, “How did you become lovely in my eyes?”

It said, “Through your making me patient, I became lovely.”

تُنسِّيني بناتُ الدهر نفسي

ولم أَنسَ اللِّداتِ ولا غَفَلت

The daughters of Time make me forget myself,

yet I have not forgotten my age-mates, nor been heedless.

وأوعرُ ما أكون، فإن تراءت

حقوقُ أخٍ صدوقٍ لي.. سَهُلت

And at my most unyielding, should there appear

before me a faithful brother’s claims, I grow yielding.

وإني والمذلةُ من عُداتي

يهون لعزه، أني ذَلَلْت

And I, though humiliation is among my foes,

find it easy to humble myself for his honor.

وها أنا ما أقالتْنِي الليالي

عن الإلفِ الخدين.. ولا أقلت

And here I am: the nights have not released me

from my cherished, intimate companion, nor have I let him go.

وعندي صَفْوَةٌ لو فاضلوني

بهم غُرَفَ الجِنانِ لما فَضَلت

I have a chosen few: were I asked to weigh

them against Paradise’s chambers, I would not choose the latter.

ولو حُمِّلْت كلَّ أذىً وسُوء

كِفاءَ الذبِّ عنهم .. لاحتملت

And were I made to bear every harm and evil

as the price of defending them, I would endure it.

أبي ملل.. ولم ابرحْ أميناً

لقولٍ قلتُ.. أو فعلٍ فعلت

Is there weariness in me? I have never ceased to be faithful

to a word I spoke, or a deed I did.

ومقهىً أصطفيهِ نصفَ قرنٍ

بذكراهُ ورِفقتِه احتفلت

And a café I have favored for half a century—

I have celebrated its memory and its company.

ودنيا ذكرياتٍ عن همومٍ

قَصَرْتُ بهنَّ هماً أو أَطَلْت

And a world of memories of cares,

through which I shortened a care—or prolonged it.

مدى عُمري تطالِعُني وجوهٌ

بِهنَّ كطلعةِ الفجرِ اكتحلت

Throughout my life, faces greet me;

with them I have lined my eyes, as with the rising dawn.

أُصعِّد آهةً من بعد أخرى

على من قد فقدت ومن ثَكِلت

I heave one sigh after another

for those I have lost, and those of whom I was bereft.

اقول مَلِلْتُها .. وكأنَّ تُرْباً

على قبر عزيز قد أهَلْت

I say, “I have tired of her”—as though earth

I had heaped upon a dear one’s grave.

وعن شَغَفٍ أَعودُ أشُمُّ منها

أريجَ ثرىً عليه قد دُللت

And in passionate love I return, inhaling from her

the fragrance of soil upon which I was pampered.

تُرى.. كم بسمةٍ فيه ابتذَلْت

وكم من دمعةٍ حرّى أَذَلْت ؟!

I wonder—how many smiles did I lavish there,

and how many burning tears did I let flow?

وقلتُ لصاحبي والكأسُ تَثْنِي

يدِي.. وكأنني بِدمي غُللت !

And I said to my companion, while the cup bent

my hand, as though I were shackled by my own blood—

وملهمة بما تُلْقى دلالاً

بكأسي من ثُمالتها ثَمِلْت

and a muse—with what she coquettishly pours

into my cup from her dregs, I grew drunk.

وقد ثمِلتْ .. فمالت وهي تُرخِي

على كَتِفِي ذوائبَها .. فَمِلْت

And she grew drunk and leaned, letting fall

her tresses on my shoulder—so I leaned too.

وأصداءٌ من النَّغَمِ المزجّى

بهِ خِلتُ الذي ما كنت خِلْت

And echoes of the wafted melody—

through it I imagined what I had never imagined.

كأني بالمعارج من صداهُ

عَرَجت إلى السماء .. وما نزلت

As though, on the stairways of its echo,

I had ascended to heaven and never come down.

لعمُر أبيكِ لا يُثْقِلْكِ قولي

وكم من قولة ثَقُلت فقلت:

By your father’s life, may my words not burden you;

and many a saying has weighed heavily—so I said:

أرى السبعين في رشدي دهوراً

وسبعاً إن سدرت .. وإن ضللت

I see seventy years as ages when I am in my right mind,

and seven, if I grow heedless and if I go astray.